Posted on January 26th, 2015
Today, the Economist announced the death of Darrell Winfield, the “real” Marlboro Man, at the age of 85. Of course Winfield was not actually the real Marlboro Man, because the Marlboro Man is as immortal as Mickey Mouse or Prometheus…
Here are a few little-known facts about The Marlboro Man. I suggest you read this post while listening to Neil Young’s theme to the film Dead Man…
The Marlboro Man has killed seventeen men with his bare hands. He prefers not to own a gun, though he is well-trained in the use of firearms. He is haunted by his crimes.
The Marlboro Man believes in thinking much but saying little. His biographer estimates he has probably spoken fewer than 40,000 words in his lifetime.
At the height of the Vietnam War, The Marlboro Man visited Hanoi. He huddled with the staff in the basement of the Metropole Hotel as the B-52s passed overhead, dropping their payloads. Later, he met with Ho Chi Minh and though they did not speak a common language, they exchanged knowing smiles. Ho Chi Minh was a great fan of the American Constitution and American tobacco.
The Marlboro Man does not suffer fools gladly and has no patience for politics. He does, however enjoy a crossword puzzle now and then.
The Marlboro Man wishes he were a virgin. It’s simpler that way.
The Marlboro Man’s lungs are like the sky: pure, blue, and untainted by the corruption of the world.
Over the crest of a hill cloaked in sagebrush that smells like loss, The Marlboro Man arrives, riding a piebald mare the color of ashes. He knows the sadness of discarded dreams, knows the loneliness of life without cable television.
They say that if you stare long enough into the eyes of The Marlboro Man, you will remember the day of your birth.
According to the Huffington Post, The Marlboro Man and Cormac McCarthy once got in a bar fight. Afterward, they embraced and drank to the memory of Marlene Dietrich, who they both admire.
The Marlboro Man’s spirit animal is the Malaysian tapir (Tapirus indicus).
The Marlboro Man’s real name is Chester Finklestein, and he was born in Passaic, New Jersey. When he was nineteen, he hopped a freight train to Wyoming, and there he learned to rope cattle and wrestle with the meaning of existence.
The Marlboro Man is the silence of far nebulae.
The Marlboro Man can’t quit you, though he’s tried many times.